I thought I lost you, our friendship, and everything we’ve had; then, I read your message to me earlier this day, showing how much you care about what I’m probably going through because you saw all the “girl-drama” tweets in Twitter.

That really made me so feel so grateful.

Thank you for being so thoughtful.

Thank you for showing up just when I needed someone the most. Your timing was just so perfect, I’m starting to think how God convinced you so He could send you to me..

Thank you.

When college started, I don’t know.. but somehow I know that my hormones has something to do with it. My height started to increase. From 5’2”.. to 5’3”.. up to 5’6”

I’m 21 years old, and I am 5 foot, 6 inches tall.

I’ve been receiving compliments about my height since then. Like, how wonderful it is to have a height like mine.. and how I should be thankful that God gave me this kind of height.

In fact, I’m indeed thankful. There’s nothing else I could ask about it.

But together with the gradual increase in my height, my metabolism also slowed down. Something I’m having a hard time with, to be completely honest.

I might lose a weight for not eating for a week; but having a nice and complete meal for 3 days, I could totally gain back everything that I’ve lost. That’s just how it works for me.

I’m having a hard time to pull my height and weight together. I’ve always been computing my body mass index just to make sure that I’m not overweight.

Sometimes, being around people who are much shorter than I am, it makes me feel so huge and gigantic.. and I would feel sad about the way I am deep inside.

I know, I am not overweight. But being around them, it makes me feel like as if I am.

I’m still working over my weight and my body because, for once, I want feel tall without having a feeling of inferiority about how my body looks.

I want to feel good about my height and weight combined.

I want to feel good about my weight alone.

Mama: Anong ginagawa mo? 
Ako: Tumblr. :)
Mama: Gawa mo nga din ako ng Tumblr.
Ako: NOOOOOOO. Bakiiit?
Mama: E bakit ba? Nakakakita ako minsan ng mga binobrowse mong pictures ng cupcakes at pastries. Gusto ko din makita.
Ako: … . .
Mama: May Twitter ka pa ba? Gawan mo na lang din ako nun. Follow kita! :)

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Waaa~ Ang kulit ng nanay ko. Hahaha. Di ko siya igagawa. Mag-Facebook na lang kasi siya eh. -.-” XDDDD.

I’m feeling all better now. :) I woke up today, still feeling low about what happened to me.. then, I just told myself that I would keep myself busy today to keep me off of the things that has been bugging me last night.

So, that’s what I did.

Thank God for today. We were so loaded with so much stuffs to do. I could hardly take a break to give myself a little moment to relax. It just went on and on, doing things after another. It’s a really busy duty day for me today for the straight 8 hours.

Then, another thing I am thanking God for is when I agreed to let my boyfriend see me after training so that we could spend time together. There’s just a part of me that misses him so I agreed after he asked me if I want to see him today. And another thing is, I wanna share to him what I went through last night.

So, then, we ate lunch together. Then, we played cards. Hahaha! That’s one of my favorite part of today. We would have played Monopoly instead, but my little brother is busy playing other computer games.. so we settled with cards. It was so fun. ;>

He also let me have a short nap after a few set of games. So, yeah. I fell asleep on his lap, and sometimes I would feel him drying my sweat off my forehead. (Philippines. Summer. Need to say more? XD).

After that, we took a little time to have snacks.. and went on to stroll in our subdivision to breathe in some fresh air. We stayed in our favorite spot to have an alone time to talk about random stuffs.

Things are just better when he’s around. And I thank and praise God for this, you know? I’m feeling a lot better now.. and I would still try to comtemplate more about last night.

So, that’s basically what happened today. Thank you, Saturday. Thank you, Lord God, for all of these. ♥.

To God be the glory. ♥.

Feels. It’s totally sinking in today. I don’t know how it started, but I just suddenly felt like I want to have a whole fresh start of my life. I don’t fully understand why I feel the way I do, but it’s just something that’s hurting me so much right now.

I know there has been lots of unbelievable things that has happened to me. I’m thankful, and I know that these challenges or problems would someday teach me more than I know now. But tonight, I just feel like breaking down. I feel like I just want to disappear for a moment and have a time on my own.. to think and reflect.. and refresh.

These days, everything has been so exhausting. I feel less motivated. Everything is draining down.. and one thing I’m scared most is the probability that I might lose my balance.

I don’t think I can handle these much longer.

Every night, people who have walked out of my life has been flashing through my mind; and most of the time, I just take the bullet of blaming myself because I wasn’t able to do everything that I could to make them stay.. when in fact, once upon a time, they were so close to me and never have I thought that they would leave and they could leave.

On the other side, it also hurts me because they didn’t also do anything to fight for what we have.. to save what we have.

I thought I know how to value and treasure people in my life. But then, time came and I have prioritized some other things more than relationships, and I never even realized how so much things have changed. I wasn’t even aware. I wasn’t even able to catch and cope up.

You know? It’s like, I talked to them and they are no longer there for me. They made me feel like as if they were talking to someone they just met on the street for a casual conversation.. and I just can’t do anything to bring it back to the way it was. And everytime I remember them, I ask myself how much I deserve to experience this?

- - - - -

Meanwhile, I have met new people in different times and places. And I don’t like how it affected me so much today.

I met someone whom I thought I could call and treat as a true friend too. We got to know each other more and I tried to see through that person’s personality because, it’s more important to me than anything else. Then one day, I realized how that person could lie to my face like as if it’s just okay. And all the trust I’ve built came crumbling down.. like, when I hear that person say something, all I could think of were “lies.”

I thought I wouldn’t learn how to forgive; but thank God I was able to whole-heartedly do it; but the fact that the way I treat people was changed, I just can’t take it in.

The way I trust people is not like how it was before. All my guards are up, for trying to protect myself for anything like it. And sometimes, it got me wondering with things like, “who.. and how many people around me are as true as what they seem to be?”

And I’ve experienced how it feels like to be surrounded by people who silently misjudge you. People who act so nice and kind, but are actually two-sided. And God knows how I wish I could learn how face and handle this with Him.. and at the same time, God knows how I wish I could just run away and escape from it but I can’t.

- - - - -

I’m sorry.. I just can’t bare with how my real life is going on right now. I’m so just so messed up. Things are so messed up.. and I don’t even know where to start and how would I even try to fix myself and all these things.

I just don’t know.. at all.. anymore..