Feels. It’s totally sinking in today. I don’t know how it started, but I just suddenly felt like I want to have a whole fresh start of my life. I don’t fully understand why I feel the way I do, but it’s just something that’s hurting me so much right now.
I know there has been lots of unbelievable things that has happened to me. I’m thankful, and I know that these challenges or problems would someday teach me more than I know now. But tonight, I just feel like breaking down. I feel like I just want to disappear for a moment and have a time on my own.. to think and reflect.. and refresh.
These days, everything has been so exhausting. I feel less motivated. Everything is draining down.. and one thing I’m scared most is the probability that I might lose my balance.
I don’t think I can handle these much longer.
Every night, people who have walked out of my life has been flashing through my mind; and most of the time, I just take the bullet of blaming myself because I wasn’t able to do everything that I could to make them stay.. when in fact, once upon a time, they were so close to me and never have I thought that they would leave and they could leave.
On the other side, it also hurts me because they didn’t also do anything to fight for what we have.. to save what we have.
I thought I know how to value and treasure people in my life. But then, time came and I have prioritized some other things more than relationships, and I never even realized how so much things have changed. I wasn’t even aware. I wasn’t even able to catch and cope up.
You know? It’s like, I talked to them and they are no longer there for me. They made me feel like as if they were talking to someone they just met on the street for a casual conversation.. and I just can’t do anything to bring it back to the way it was. And everytime I remember them, I ask myself how much I deserve to experience this?
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Meanwhile, I have met new people in different times and places. And I don’t like how it affected me so much today.
I met someone whom I thought I could call and treat as a true friend too. We got to know each other more and I tried to see through that person’s personality because, it’s more important to me than anything else. Then one day, I realized how that person could lie to my face like as if it’s just okay. And all the trust I’ve built came crumbling down.. like, when I hear that person say something, all I could think of were “lies.”
I thought I wouldn’t learn how to forgive; but thank God I was able to whole-heartedly do it; but the fact that the way I treat people was changed, I just can’t take it in.
The way I trust people is not like how it was before. All my guards are up, for trying to protect myself for anything like it. And sometimes, it got me wondering with things like, “who.. and how many people around me are as true as what they seem to be?”
And I’ve experienced how it feels like to be surrounded by people who silently misjudge you. People who act so nice and kind, but are actually two-sided. And God knows how I wish I could learn how face and handle this with Him.. and at the same time, God knows how I wish I could just run away and escape from it but I can’t.
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I’m sorry.. I just can’t bare with how my real life is going on right now. I’m so just so messed up. Things are so messed up.. and I don’t even know where to start and how would I even try to fix myself and all these things.
I just don’t know.. at all.. anymore..