Put it in a love song.

When I was younger, I’m not really a huge fan of music.

I just listen to music whenever I feel like to. To sing when I want to, or dance.. if you could actually call it dancing. Haha. I listen to songs I could relate to, though I don’t completely turn to it when I feel something.

Yeng Constantino has been my favorite singer eversince I was thirteen years old. That time, I love her music plainly because I love her. :)

I fell in love once with someone when I was fifteen years old, then got really hurt at sixteen years old when I lost it. That’s the time when I just graduated in fourth year highschool and I was listening to Yeng Constantino’s second album called, “Journey” which I bought for myself as a graduation gift; and half of her songs in there was something that speaks what I clearly feel that time. That was also the album where I can find songs that can definitely say how I felt back when I got my heart broken from falling in love.

Do you know that feeling when you have someone whom you thought would never ever hurt you, then at some weird twist of fate, that someone turned his back on you and entirely proved you wrong?

So as a return, my perception about love changed in a negative way when I got hurt. That was basically and the only negative thing that happened to me. I would never lie by saying that I’m still the same girl as I am when I was fifteen years old because, I am not. I changed the moment I got hurt, because I never hit the ground so low -not until I got my heart broken for the very first time. The pain was something I never thought was existing. It was so painful, I wish I was kidding, and it was so remarkable I don’t know if I would ever forget that.

The moment I got hurt, everything about me changed. I never felt so vulnerable from that moment.. and I’ve been so sensitive starting from that point.

That time, I decided to put my guards taller than me so that no one could hurt me again. I suppresed my feelings because I don’t want anyone to see that I am going through something like that; and when I got hurt, I stopped talking about it and I never looked back. Plainly because, those were the memories that keep me haunted for most of the time. It hurts everytime I would reminisce about it.

I gave up on love and said it doesn’t last forever; because, forever is just a word.

Then one December night of 2008, I was at Ella’s house (because we’re doing this project that we have to pass after our Christmas vacation) when I suddenly heard this song which she was playing out loud in their stereo. I wasn’t even paying attention to what we’re doing because, I was focusing myself to the lyrics the moment I heard, “You were Romeo, you were throwing pebbles and my daddy said, “stay away from Juliet.” And my head was like, “oh wait.. a song about Romeo and Juliet!” :D

So I listened attentively to it, and asked my friend about it. She told me it’s called “Love Story” and Taylor Swift was the one who sang it - the one who sang “Teardrops on my Guitar.” (I have heard “Teardrops on my Guitar” when I was in fourth year highschool but it wasn’t something that is life changing for me).

Then when I got home, I listened to the song again and I love how Taylor sang, “this love is difficult, but it’s real.” I also love the way she twisted the ending for the both of them by adding Romeo’s part with, “Marry me, Juliet, you’ll never have to be alone. I love you and that’s all I really know.” And I fell a hundred percent in love with it.

So that was also the moment when I searched Youtube with other songs from her, and that’s where my life started to change more for me. I’ve learned that she already released two albums so I started by listening to her first album.

I listened to some love songs she has like, “Our Song” which I think is the cutest song I’ve heard from her and it automatically became my jam.

I also started with “The Outside,” “Tied Together With A Smile” and “A Place in This World” and I never thought how this song could capture what I felt back when I was in highschool and how I would sometimes see myself when I look in the mirror.

“Cold as You” is a hundred percent bomb. The lyrics were the words that I’ve been searching for to describe how I felt back when I got my heart broken.

“Perfectly Good Heart” - well, what can I say? ♫ “No matter what you say, I still can’t believe that you would walk away. It don’t make sense to me.”

And the list continues…

So, when I was 18 yeard old, I went to the nearest music store in our town and bought “Fearless Platinum Edition” ..and I’m telling you that it is the BEST gift slash album I’ve ever got for myself. That’s the time when I started supporting her, and looking up to her like a role model; and I thank God a gazillion times for letting me know someone like her, when I thought my life couldn’t get any better.

Taylor Alison Swift - the girl who made me feel like someone out there in this world understands what it clearly feels like to go through something like this and that, whether in terms of love and/or life.

I listened to her songs every single day like as if those were the only songs I need to get myself by. And everytime I listen to her, it makes me feel like I am not alone in anything anymore.

When I heard “Fifteen,” I never taught this song would mean something to me. Especially when she said, “‘Cause when you’re fifteen and somebody tells you they love you, you’re gonna believe them.” :) I also love the way she perfectly said, “..you’re thinking he’s the one and you’re dancing ‘round your room when the night ends.” And through that song, she taught me that time can heal most anything.. and that was true. It’s like an advice song for me whenever I would hear the lines, “don’t forget to look before you fall.” I can relate myself to Fifteen.

I also know how it feels like to have a crush on someone who doesn’t know I exist; and that’s the time when I completely listened to “Invisible” because it was perfect and I was wishing that someday, I hope he would notice me perhaps. Then, when I found that the there’s no chance at all, I cried when I saw her music video of “Teardrops on my Guitar.”

She also taught me that when you get your heart broken, it’s alright to let yourself feel what you have to feel. That’s why I also fell in love with her broken hearted songs like, “Forever & Always,” “White Horse,” “Haunted,” “If This Was A Movie” and/or “The Story of Us.” In one point or another, I know how I could relate myself to have someone who loves you, then one day, he’s like fading and drifting away.. and I don’t know what to do about the whole situation.. and I don’t know how or when those things and feelings changed.

Taylor also changed the way I view love. When I heard “Love Story” and “Mine,” it made me realize that love could actually work if only two people would fight and work for it. “Mary’s Song (Oh My My My)” reminds me how love can really last forever and I think it’s the sweetest thing I’ve heard from her (a young but true love). “Sparks Fly” “Hey Stephen” and “Jump then Fall” also makes me daydream about what it actually feels like to fall in love with someone and you couldn’t help yourself at all. Haha. “Fearless” also played a vital role in changing my perception about love. Because of Taylor, I have a wonderful perception about it now. She assured me how it’s okay to always believe in love stories, fairy tales and prince charming -because, I thought this was only applicable when you’re young and it slowly fade as you get older, but it’s not. She taught me to always belive in happily ever after even though love can be really hard in real life.

Thanks to Taylor, I learned about “Enchanted” because I was able to feel what having a sparkling night feels like just because you were able to talk to the guy you like. I love it when it seems like something is bound to happen and I would find myself singing, “my thoughts will echo your name until I see you again.. oh please, don’t be in love with someone else.. please, don’t have somebody waiting on you.”

I also love the feeling of dancing along when I would play, “You Belong With Me.” I think, singing that song is really fun especially when you have someone you like and he can’t still see you because love is.. blind. Hahaha.

In some way, I don’t like strumming my guitar whenever I would play “Last Kiss.” I feel so emotional everytime I would listen to it because, the melody makes my heart shatter slowly and I can still feel it. Especially the part of, “I never imagined we’d end like this” or.. “I hope the sun shines and it’s a beautiful day.. if something reminds you, you wish you had stayed..”

I never even thought that I would be able to appreciate “Should’ve Said No” or “The Other Side of the Door” because I figured something that was actually going on, which I didn’t believe the first time because the truth can’t even change my mind, and that was something I am quite sure about.. la la la~

I also remember that night when I cried the moment I heard, “Never Grow Up” the first time in my player because, I remember the time when I showed my dad this little Anastasia doll I had when I was younger when he said, “I won’t let nobody hurt you.. and I won’t let no one break your heart.” And the line was in the soooong! </3. It made me wish things like, “Wish I’d never grown up.” That line always gets me everytime I am sad and I would randomly hear this song.

And through that, Taylor taught me that no matter how many times you get hurt, you would always fall in love again.. and you should always believe in love and how it can last forever.. and one day, you would find someone who would be the right guy for you and it would be worth it.

Taylor is the reason why I learned how to be open with the way I feel through words. I fell in love with writing when I was 18 years old, that’s why I kept a diary in my bedside.. so that whenever I feel something, I would write everything down in details.. and she inspired me in starting that.

Taylor inspired me to be better, in a positive and countless ways; because, I don’t actually like who I am before I met her.

She’s the reason why I’m so eager to learn how to play a guitar; and sometimes, when I sing “Tim McGraw” I change it to “Taylor Swift.” Haha. :)

♫ “When you think Tim McGraw Taylor Swift, I hope you think my favorite song.. the one we danced to all night long.. and the moon like a spotlight on the lake.. When you think Taylor Swift, I hope you think of me.” ♥.

Taylor Swift has changed my life into something more than I could ever imagine. Not just in love, but in life too. That’s why when I think about her everytime I pray, I don’t know how I could thank God that I was able to know her and have her in my life. And I couldn’t thank God more when He gave me that chance to see her live in her Speak Now tour last February 19, 2011 and I was crying the moment she said, “DROP EVERYTHING NOW!” and she was performing right in front of us, singing “Sparks Fly.” Plus the thought that she was in the same room as me. I was there crying.. thanking God for that moment. One of the nights I would never, ever, forget. It was a prayer slash dream slash wish come true.

She made me strong.. and people doesn’t understand how much effect Taylor has on me, but that doesn’t really bother me at all because I’m not expecting them to understand any of these at all.

I owe Taylor soooo much and I don’t know how to let her know this. I’m afraid that she wouldn’t, so sometimes I wish dreams are true connections so that somehow I could let her know that. There are so many reasons why I love Taylor so much.

When I am going through something, I know that there is a Taylor Swift song for that.. and I would never stop listening to the songs she worte for her fans to hear.

She would always be my role model.

And everyday, I find it more clearly on why God let me know her.. and everyday, I would always thank God for Taylor Alison Swift. ♥. :)

“If you would go back to the past.. what certain part of your life would you like to relive, and WHY?”

Isn’t it one of the most common questions we usually hear? In contests, in pageants, in any truth-or-dare games, etc. And last night, I was staring through my window, looking through the night sky like as if it’s the most interesting and fascinating thing to me; then, this question hits me.. and it’s all I could think about before I go to sleep.

If I would be asked the same question, I’ll say, “maybe.. the time when I was highschool. I would study more. I would make the most of my teenage years. Especially when I was in 4th year highschool.”

UH. No. In less than a minute, I changed my answer into “maybe, I would relive 100% of it. Starting when I was in childhood.. I wanted to change every single thing. From the way I live before up to now.” But I wasn’t actually satisfied with what I’ve thought.

Then, I realized - that is not what I want. I don’t want to relive anything in my past at all. 

… . .

*The silence through the night grows deeper.*

… . . 

When I think about what I was when I was young, yeah.. time where I don’t know anything much about the world. My life is like, just plain living.. and playing.. sometimes studying.. and asking things from my parents. :) I have childhood days I wanted to relive so bad; maybe that’s because, when you are young, you have less stress and less problems.. and when life gets though, a little advice from your parents like, “everything will be alright, darling.” is all you need to get through. My childhood days are the days when I feel the safest because, my parents are always there. It was also the time where I thought, “one day, I would fly like Peter Pan” because, when I ride into swings, it feels like I could. It was also the time where I feel like I’m a princess, and life is a complete disney movie / fairy tale.

Then, elementary is nice for me, though that was something where I felt like this world is too huge and dark for me. I feel scared most of the time. I don’t want to go to school because it feels like those people around me aren’t quite that nice. Sometimes, I would go by myself, read or color stuffs on my book, and I would see some of my classmates laughing at me and I don’t know why. That’s the reason why I don’t like interacting with them. My parents have been busy with my younger brothers this time too; so, I’m not their priority anymore because, I’m a big girl now.. and I’m the eldest in our family, so I have to to act like a real sister to my younger sister and brothers now.

Things continuously turn 180 degrees for me when I was in highschool and I was moved into a new school.. new environment.. new classmates. Freshman.. and I swear, I don’t know what to do with my world! I have no one to talk to. It seems like all the people around me are friends; and eventhough I talk to some people, it feels like I’m not a hundred percent welcome into the group. I don’t know why, but I just feel that way. I feel socially awkward whenever I would say, “hi.” Well, I forgot how I was able to cope with that - but I could remember those days where I was begging my mom to allow me not to go to school for the day.. or sometimes, I’ll pretend like something inside my body is in pain so I would have to miss school. My mom don’t actually fall into my little white lies, unfortunately.

Second year highschool is good, I guess. I was able to handle it because I have someone whom I could actually talk to all the time. I have someone to stand by me all the way, through ups and downs, and that made me feel alright.

Junior year is something I wanna vanish into my memory if I could. My friend during my sophomore is no longer my classmate; and I can’t quite tell you how I completely felt back then, but I’ll try to tell you in a way I could. When I was in third year highschool, I would enter our classroom like I’m an invisible thin air. This is the time where I completely figured what “alone” felt like. I remember those times where I would go home and my mom would ask me how my day is and I would lie by saying, “it was fun!” and fake a smile. I don’t know if she noticed, but the moment I enter my room, I would break down and cry. I, literally, wanna die already! I don’t want to go in another day where I would be in a crowd of people and I would still feel alone. Some of my classamates are really nice and considerate. I know half of them would look at me and say how I have my “own world” though because I walk to the canteen alone, and I don’t have friends that could keep me company every single day.

Sometimes, I slap myself for not knowing how to interact with people. I know what had happend is half of my fault too. I just don’t know how to socialize and open myself to others. But somehow, that made me stronger because I know how to stand on my own.. That’s the reason why it feels like I’m invincible because, I’ve been hurt for so long, I’ve grown myself by being immuned to it.

Senior year is a bit of change. This is the time where things slighty went fine for me. I found circle of friends where I completely feel like they’re the group of people I’ve been looking and/or searching for. They actually helped me how to open up, and I became comfortable with them over time. Everyday is a fun day for me because of them. We may have different personalities, but we still have at least one common interest that keeps us all binded.. until now. And I’m actually grateful that I have them in my life.

Going back to the question I asked myself again, I think I have grew into something I wanted to be at this point of time. What I have now is something I couldn’t ask for more. What happened in the past is something that made me into who and what I am right now; and if I would change something in my past (even a smallest bit of it), then maybe I would live an entirely different life right now.

I learned how to be strong because, I know exactly what it feels like to fall down, pick myself up, and stand on my own two feet again.

I learned how to care too much because, I know exactly what it feels like to have no one to be there for me.

I learned how to say what I mean and mean what I say because, I know exactly what it feels like to have someone who would say something they don’t mean.

I learned how to look at inner characteristics of each person around me because, I know how it feels like to be judged by my outward or physical appearance.

I learned how to treat people nicely because, I know that they may be going through some difficult time in their life right now and I may not know or notice it.

I learned how to strive and persevere on what I want in my life because, I know how it feels like to surround myself with people who do not know nothing but to degrade or belittle my capabilities.

I learned how to open my feelings when it comes to saying how much someone means to me because, I know how it feels like to have someone who makes me feel like they’re not scared to lose someone like me in their life.

I learned how to laugh too much because, I know how it feels like to break down and cry myself to sleep.

..I learned so much from those experiences, and I learned how to thank God for those. I know half of them still scares me until now, but those are still the reason why I became who I am today.

And yet, people wonder how and why I’ve changed.

Me: *points at a star, far away from others* I’m like that star.. alone and waiting for someone to-

Carmelle (my sister): “Nope.. You just outshined them all.” ♥.

So my friends tell you this.. and my friends tell you that.

But it’s not about what they say. They don’t control my feelings. And yes, they may have known a part of what I feel, like how I fell so hard for you and how I coped with all of these, but they won’t understand the intensity of pain that I went through because of you.

I’ve been dying to know if I actually mean something for you, and why you have to go and walk away just like that, but what I got from you was nothing.

And if you actually care about me and the way I feel, and instead of looking at my Facebook wall, reading my tweets, and lurking through my Tumblr posts, wondering about the way I talk and why I am so emotional about everything, you should’ve at least saved some of your nerves to give me a hint that you actually care.

You have the entire chance to let me know about the way you feel, but you didn’t. And I was actually waiting for you to say something, or to hear something from you, but you didn’t. Maybe, because you couldn’t and, that was something I don’t understand.. and probably something I won’t understand.

So, I’m done playing all these mind games. You do your own, I’ll do mine. If I keep on opening and posting up something like this after you have turned your back on me, then I’m clearly sorry. I just have to get some things off of my chest sometimes.

..I’m done here.

..THEN ALL OF THE SUDDEN, YOU WILL FIND OUT THAT SOMEONE’S TAKING ADVANTAGE OF THAT. SOMEONE IS TAKING ADVANTAGE OF HOW YOU FEEL; AND NO MATTER WHAT I DO, THAT’S ALL I COULD THINK OF. IT MAKES ME WANNA CRY SO BAD. SOOOOOOO BAAAAAAAAD!!! :’( </3.

I DON’T KNOW IF LOVING SOMEONE HAS BEEN WRONG THE WHOLE TIME.

and I FREAKING HATE IT (AND EVERY SINGLE PIECE ATTACHED TO IT), BECAUSE THIS FEELING IS CONSUMING ME.. AND I CANNOT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT AT ALL. BECAUSE I’VE DONE ALL THAT I COULD, BUT SOMETHING IS TAKING ME BACK TO THIS DAMN PLACE TO FEEL LIKE THIS AGAIN.

AND sometimes, when I cry myself to sleep, a part of me is wishing and hoping I won’t wake up at all.. while the other part is wishing that someone would come and save me from this.

I just cannot take any of this anymore.. that’s why sometimes, I just want to curl up in my bed, go under my sheets, and cry until there’s nothing left to cry for.