I thought I lost you, our friendship, and everything we’ve had; then, I read your message to me earlier this day, showing how much you care about what I’m probably going through because you saw all the “girl-drama” tweets in Twitter.

That really made me so feel so grateful.

Thank you for being so thoughtful.

Thank you for showing up just when I needed someone the most. Your timing was just so perfect, I’m starting to think how God convinced you so He could send you to me..

Thank you.

When college started, I don’t know.. but somehow I know that my hormones has something to do with it. My height started to increase. From 5’2”.. to 5’3”.. up to 5’6”

I’m 21 years old, and I am 5 foot, 6 inches tall.

I’ve been receiving compliments about my height since then. Like, how wonderful it is to have a height like mine.. and how I should be thankful that God gave me this kind of height.

In fact, I’m indeed thankful. There’s nothing else I could ask about it.

But together with the gradual increase in my height, my metabolism also slowed down. Something I’m having a hard time with, to be completely honest.

I might lose a weight for not eating for a week; but having a nice and complete meal for 3 days, I could totally gain back everything that I’ve lost. That’s just how it works for me.

I’m having a hard time to pull my height and weight together. I’ve always been computing my body mass index just to make sure that I’m not overweight.

Sometimes, being around people who are much shorter than I am, it makes me feel so huge and gigantic.. and I would feel sad about the way I am deep inside.

I know, I am not overweight. But being around them, it makes me feel like as if I am.

I’m still working over my weight and my body because, for once, I want feel tall without having a feeling of inferiority about how my body looks.

I want to feel good about my height and weight combined.

I want to feel good about my weight alone.

I’m feeling all better now. :) I woke up today, still feeling low about what happened to me.. then, I just told myself that I would keep myself busy today to keep me off of the things that has been bugging me last night.

So, that’s what I did.

Thank God for today. We were so loaded with so much stuffs to do. I could hardly take a break to give myself a little moment to relax. It just went on and on, doing things after another. It’s a really busy duty day for me today for the straight 8 hours.

Then, another thing I am thanking God for is when I agreed to let my boyfriend see me after training so that we could spend time together. There’s just a part of me that misses him so I agreed after he asked me if I want to see him today. And another thing is, I wanna share to him what I went through last night.

So, then, we ate lunch together. Then, we played cards. Hahaha! That’s one of my favorite part of today. We would have played Monopoly instead, but my little brother is busy playing other computer games.. so we settled with cards. It was so fun. ;>

He also let me have a short nap after a few set of games. So, yeah. I fell asleep on his lap, and sometimes I would feel him drying my sweat off my forehead. (Philippines. Summer. Need to say more? XD).

After that, we took a little time to have snacks.. and went on to stroll in our subdivision to breathe in some fresh air. We stayed in our favorite spot to have an alone time to talk about random stuffs.

Things are just better when he’s around. And I thank and praise God for this, you know? I’m feeling a lot better now.. and I would still try to comtemplate more about last night.

So, that’s basically what happened today. Thank you, Saturday. Thank you, Lord God, for all of these. ♥.

To God be the glory. ♥.

Feels. It’s totally sinking in today. I don’t know how it started, but I just suddenly felt like I want to have a whole fresh start of my life. I don’t fully understand why I feel the way I do, but it’s just something that’s hurting me so much right now.

I know there has been lots of unbelievable things that has happened to me. I’m thankful, and I know that these challenges or problems would someday teach me more than I know now. But tonight, I just feel like breaking down. I feel like I just want to disappear for a moment and have a time on my own.. to think and reflect.. and refresh.

These days, everything has been so exhausting. I feel less motivated. Everything is draining down.. and one thing I’m scared most is the probability that I might lose my balance.

I don’t think I can handle these much longer.

Every night, people who have walked out of my life has been flashing through my mind; and most of the time, I just take the bullet of blaming myself because I wasn’t able to do everything that I could to make them stay.. when in fact, once upon a time, they were so close to me and never have I thought that they would leave and they could leave.

On the other side, it also hurts me because they didn’t also do anything to fight for what we have.. to save what we have.

I thought I know how to value and treasure people in my life. But then, time came and I have prioritized some other things more than relationships, and I never even realized how so much things have changed. I wasn’t even aware. I wasn’t even able to catch and cope up.

You know? It’s like, I talked to them and they are no longer there for me. They made me feel like as if they were talking to someone they just met on the street for a casual conversation.. and I just can’t do anything to bring it back to the way it was. And everytime I remember them, I ask myself how much I deserve to experience this?

- - - - -

Meanwhile, I have met new people in different times and places. And I don’t like how it affected me so much today.

I met someone whom I thought I could call and treat as a true friend too. We got to know each other more and I tried to see through that person’s personality because, it’s more important to me than anything else. Then one day, I realized how that person could lie to my face like as if it’s just okay. And all the trust I’ve built came crumbling down.. like, when I hear that person say something, all I could think of were “lies.”

I thought I wouldn’t learn how to forgive; but thank God I was able to whole-heartedly do it; but the fact that the way I treat people was changed, I just can’t take it in.

The way I trust people is not like how it was before. All my guards are up, for trying to protect myself for anything like it. And sometimes, it got me wondering with things like, “who.. and how many people around me are as true as what they seem to be?”

And I’ve experienced how it feels like to be surrounded by people who silently misjudge you. People who act so nice and kind, but are actually two-sided. And God knows how I wish I could learn how face and handle this with Him.. and at the same time, God knows how I wish I could just run away and escape from it but I can’t.

- - - - -

I’m sorry.. I just can’t bare with how my real life is going on right now. I’m so just so messed up. Things are so messed up.. and I don’t even know where to start and how would I even try to fix myself and all these things.

I just don’t know.. at all.. anymore..

I haven’t been writing anything about love lately; and tonight, I would. You know, I never really thought that we could go this far, but I always hope it would. So, here we are.

For the past few months, I have experienced late night fights and misunderstandings more than I could ever imagine. Even though I know that I used to say that we should always fight for the ones we love and make things work out, no matter how tough and hard the situation is, I realized that it was easier said than done. Because the moment I was in that situation, I honestly do not know what else to do. Sometimes, it’s not always easy to just make things work out in an instant, especially if both of us are still trying to prove our own point of views regarding the subject of argument. And so, I have to keep on reminding myself that I shouldn’t just let this go nor give up.. and I have to be stronger for the both of us.

Aside from that, I also used to say that I have no problem if I would grow old alone because, I have my family and friends. But lately, things have been changing as I imagine my future with the one I love. I don’t know if it’s just me, or that’s just how it normally goes; but sometimes, I just wanted to spend every single day of my life with him. It’s like, I just want to have him beside me all the time. Sometimes, we talk about our future like we have a clue.. and it just melts my heart every time we do.

It is him, whom I’m looking for to talk to and share my stories with. And there are those times where I want to hug him because I want to feel his arms wrapped around me again.. and when I am sad and down is when I want him on my side the most.

You know, I never imagined it would feel this wonderful. I know our relationship is not perfect. We fight and argue. We mess up and make mistakes. But I know that we’re still growing up. I know that there are still a lot of things around the corner that we would have to face together - we might probably fight about it or have a serious talk for that sake of it, but I know that there’s still a lot to learn. There would be a lot of things to work out, but that’s just how life and love works when combined.

Of course, there are those times when I get scared too; and all I do is talk to God and ask Him to guide and bless us and our relationship. Because, I’ve always been thankful for this.. and I will always thank God for this.

And sometimes, I stay awake late at night and think how I never thought I would find a love like this.. and I never thought that I would have someone like him in my life. ♥.

Bilang isang nurse, first year palang, tinuturo na yung mga therapeutic at non-therapeutic communications sa’tin. At isa sa mga non-therapeutic na pinakainiiwasan ko ay yung mabe-belittle ko ang nararamdaman ng isang taong may sakit.

Tandaan: Everything is not what it seems.

Hindi lahat ng nakikita ng mata mo, yun lang ang basehan mo ng nararamdaman ng isang tao. Kasi one time, may duty kami sa Manila. Fourth year na ako nito. January 2012, may sakit ako. Viral infection. May blisters ako sa right side ng balakang ko. One-sided lang naman siya tapos, hindi sila nagccross sa other side. Kumbaga, kung hanggang saan ang midline ng spine ko, hanggang dun lang silang lahat. Madami tapos sobrang sakit.

Kala ko nun, taghiyawat na naligaw na masakit at konti-konting dumadami lang. Hahaha. Tapos, nung nagpaconsult ako, umiyak talaga ako nung nalaman ko na may Herpes Zoster ako. Shingles na lang para medyo cute ang term. Hahaha. Paano nagkakaroon nun? Ganito kasi yun.

Konting pathophysiology lang: Nung bata ka, nagkachicken pox ka - varicella virus ang nagccause nun. Kapag naresolve ang chicken pox mo, hindi totally eliminated ang virus na yun sa system mo. Parang, nadeactivated lang. Nandun lang siya sa katawan mo, natutulog lang (let’s put it that way).

Ngayon, sa middle-age years mo, nakaencounter ka ng someone na may active chicken pox. May chance na yung varicella virus sa katawan mo ay mareactivate. Kapag nareactivate siya, hindi na chicken pox ang tawag dun. Herpes Zoster na, or Shingles. Iba na din ang signs and smptoms nun sa chicken pox.

Kaya hindi porket nagkachicken pox ka ay safe ka na. ;> Ingat-ingat kasi mas matindi at mas masakit ang Shingles, promise. -.-” xD.

Anyway. So ayun, duty kami sa Manila. May Shingles ako. Kailangan kong umuwi na dito sa Batangas kasi baka makahawa ako. Nasa dorm kami nun and before ako makaalis, I have to talk muna sa level coordinator namin about my condition and I was advised to go home.

May lalaki dun sa counter, yung nasa front desk ng dorm na nagwwelcome ng guests. Connected din siya sa mga CI’s namin, may number kasi sila. Nung una, nagtatanong siya kung bakit ako uuwi. Para kasing ayaw niya akong payagang umalis. Sabi ko, may sakit ako. Ganito yung usapan namin.

Siya: Anong sakit?

Me: (nung una, nahihiya akong sabihin.. kasi bakit ko naman isspoil ang medical diagnosis ko; pero anyway, for the sake of it..) Shingles po.

Siya: Ahh. Yung sa Herpes? Talaga?

Me: Opo. Akala ko po kasi ay wala lang kaya pumasok pa din ako. Tapos, sobrang sakit po ng blisters ko kaya-

Siya: Oo. Alam ko naman yun. Nurse din naman ako. May nireseta sa’yong gamot?

Me: Opo. *Pinakita ko sa kanya. Tanda ko nun, may Acyclovir ako. Vitamin B complex + Paracetamol. At saka, calamine lotion.*

Siya: Bakit parang wala ka namang signs and symptoms??

Me: ……..

Alam niyo, nung time na yun, ang sakit pala (emotionally) kapag namamaliit yung nararamdaman mo. Sobrang sakit kasi ng mga blisters ko nun. As in. Pinipigilan ko lang lahat ipakita, kasi ayokong masyadong isipin yung pain na nararamdaman ko. Diversion of attention kumbaga. Sana alam niya na ang pain ay subjective, hindi objective.

The whole time, paulit-ulit lang sa isip ko yung sinabi niyang “bakit parang wala ka namang signs and symptoms?” Tapos yung tono pa ng pananalita niya, sobrang doubtful na wala akong maaninong ni-konting paniniwala sa kanya na may sakit talaga ako.

Tapos, iniisip ko na sana di na lang siya nagsabi na nurse din siya. Sana talaga hindi ko na lang nalaman. Kasi nung time na yun, sabi ko sa sarili ko, ayokong maging nurse na katulad niya at hinding-hinding-hindi ko gagawin yung ginawa niya sa’kin sa kahit sinong magiging pasyente ko.

Nakakawalan ng respeto.

Actually, galit nga ako sa kanya sa sinabi at ginawa niyang yun. Bastos kasi niya. At dati, di ko alam kung paano ko siya mapapatawad kasi tinawanan pa niya ako nun. May kasama siya nun eh, parehas silang nagtawanan. Kaso naririnig ko palagi ang conscience ko na nagsasabing, “forgive someone automatically even if a person asks for it or not, just like how God forgives you.”

Kaya kapag duty kami, lagi kong sinusubukan yung hangga’t kaya kong ipakita at sabihin kung gaano ako kaconcern sa pinagdadaanan ng mga namemeet kong patient, gagawin ko.

Dun ko napatunayan kung gaano kaimportante ang therapeutic communication. Hindi yun basta-basta. Ingat din kasi words can hurt. :)

* * * * *

Nurses at future nurses, wag niyong gagayanin si kuya. :) At sa mga tao na makakaencounter ng nurse na tulad niya, forgive lang po. Pagpasensyahan na lang kasi may mga nurse, pero walang pusong-nurse. :)

Sa lahat ng ayoko ay yung napaparamdam niya sa’kin na parang wala siyang oras para sa’kin. Intentional man o hindi. Yung ikaw nga, kahit na may ginagawa ka at busy ka, nagagawa mong maglaan ng oras para sa kanya.. para hindi niya maramdaman na parang hindi mo na siya naiisip o naaalala. Lahat ng ginagawa mo, pause muna, mareplyan lang siya o makausap lang sandali.

Kaya nakakapikon at masakit talaga in some way kapag hindi sa’yo magawa yun ng isang tao. Mahirap ba? Too much to ask ba yung magtext man lang para tanungin kung kamusta ka na, or whatsoever? At ewan ko kung paano nila nakakaya at nagagawa yun? Siguro kasi hindi nila alam yung pakiramdam kasi hindi mo naman pinaparamdam yun sa kanila. Kasi, you’re just there.. you’re just always there for them.. at alam ko kasi ang pakiramdam nun kaya di ko ginagawa sa iba.

Kasi ang saklap din talaga na kailangang ikaw pa yung parating mag-first attempt para magkausap kayo. Tapos mas masaklap yung, kung hindi mo pa tinext o kinausap ay hindi ka din kakausapin at rereplyan. Blah. Okay lang yung once or twice, pero hindiiii. Hindi talaga eh. Yun yung mas nakakaasar eh. Parang, “kung hindi ba ako ang unang nakipagusap sa’yo, maiisipan mo pa kayang itext ako o kausapin man lang in the first place?”

Ayoko talaga ng ganun. Lalo kapag alam kong hindi ko naman kailangang makipagsapalaran sa mga ginagawa niya araw-araw para lang makapaglaan siya ng konting oras para sa’kin. At saka, ayoko din kasi nung parang pinagsisiksikan ko ang sarili ko sa isang tao para lang magkausap kami. Saklap lang sa pakiramdam, dre. Alam mo ba yun?

Hindi na nga ako nakakapagshare ng mga nangyayari sa’kin ee; kasi nawawalan ako ng gana kapag ganun. Naiinis talaga ako. >.<

Sabi nga ng mama ko, wag ko na lang daw pansinin. Pero, iba talaga ee. Nandun talaga yung feeling na parang hindi ka man lang naaalala. Time na nga lang ang hinihingi mo, di pa magawan ng paraan man lang. At kahit sabihin niya pang naaalala naman niya ako, eh malay ko naman diba? Hindi naman ako si Edward Cullen na nakakapagbasa ng mga iniisip ng isang tao.

Basta. Masakit talaga. Nakakapikon. >.< Wag sana niyang hantayin yung oras na matuto akong gawin yung ginagawa niya, kasi hindi sa lahat ng oras ay kaya kong intindihin. </3.

Nakakastress pala talagang isipin ang future. Minsan kasi, iniisip ko kung ano nang gagawin ko after training ko.. ano nang next step or plan ko? Yung mga ganung bagay. Future-related na bagay.

2 months pa ang training ko pero, heto ako, nagiisip na ng susunod ng plano; pero, wala akong maisip kung anong sunod kong gagawin. Minsan kasi, gusto ko nang magtrabaho. Gusto kong mag-earn ng sarili kong income para makakapagipon ako gamit ang sarili kong pinaghirapan. Mabibili ko ang gusto ko kapag may sapat na akong savings para dun. Yung hindi na ako aasa sa mga magulang ko kapag may bigla akong gusto at kailangang bilhin. Mahirap din kasi na laging nakadepende ako sa mga magulang ko, knowing na hindi na ganung kapriority ang mga gusto ko. Kasi, graduate na ako. Tapos, may mga kapatid pa ako na nagaaral. Di ba? Obvious naman kung sino nang uunahin, kasi mas kailangan.

Lately, puro “wait ka na lang muna, anak” ang naririnig ko kay mama at papa. Okay lang naman sa’kin na maghantay kasi di ko naman urgent need; pero, ewan. Minsan, nakakaramdaman ako kung kailan ko makukuha ang turn ko. Haha. Nabibilhan naman ako kapag kailangan ko na. Tulad nitong huli, binilhan ako ng white duty shoes kasi nasira na yung ginagamit ko. Pero kung want slash demand ang paguusapan, wait lang muna. Hindi naman masama kung iisipin, diba? Kaso, naiisip ko na, kung may sarili lang sana akong source of income. Choooos. Hahaha.

Minsan kasi, gusto ko din na nabibilhan ko sina mama ng gusto nila. Kaso, di naman pwedeng hihingi din ako sa kanila ng pera para dun db? Lokohan? Hahaha. Madami din silang gusto na di muna nila binibili kasi may prioritization ng paggagastusan. Hay, buhay.

Pero, anyway. Stressful itong iniisip kong ito. Promise. Haha. Isang gabi nga, sabi ko, “21 years old pa lang ako, kung anu-ano nang iniisip ko. Yung iba nga, 25 years old na….” Ayun, alam niyo na. Hindi ko na tinuloy.. Lalo lang akong mai-stress. Hahaha.

The thing is, gusto ko nang magka-job. As in. D: Yung sunod kong kapatid, hindi pa gruma-graduate, sure nang may job opportunity. Thailand pa. Naiiyak akong natutuwa. Kakaiba talaga mga plano ni God.

Pero I know, His blessings doesn’t stop from here. At mahirap talagang malaman ang plans ni God kapag future ang paguusapan. Kailangan ng greater trust talaga. Minsan, ang kulit-kulit ko na. Syempre, di naman pwedeng super dependent ako kay God, diba? May gagawin din dapat ako. “Nasa tao ang gawa, nasa Diyos ang awa.” Sipag at tiyaga lang, di ba? Ayun. Nagkaka-good vibes na din sa wakas. Thank you, Lord. :)

For the meantime, I won’t stop wishing and praying and hoping pa din na sana one of these days, magka-job din ako. One step at a time lang muna siguro ako sa ngayon. :)

So, ayun. Nagshare lang ako para di ko na ‘to masyadong maisip nang maisip. Sabi na kasing, “do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.” Ayan tuloy, nalulunod ako sa pagwworry at stressfulness. Hahaha. xD.